Sundays have always been difficult days - especially the afternoon and evening. I feel that there is so little time left to rest....weekends seldom feel restful anymore...and even when I love my work, I'm not anxious to start the week. I learned of Andrew's death 2 weeks ago tonight. I am so incredibly sad. I'm trying to feel everything I feel and still take care of myself.
Today I ate pretty well and I did Jillian Michael's 30 day Shred. Hmmm....wonder how many points....for breakfast I had 2 eggs (6 points), 2 pancakes (4 points) and a salad! Yes, a salad for breakfast. I needed the veggies. For dinner I made the WW Mexican Meatloaf and prepared it in a muffin tin. The recipe made 12 and I had 2 with a great big salad. I feel very satisfied. I also drank a good amount of liquid today in the form of Diet Green Tea. I know, artificial sweeteners are not the best. I'm feeling good that I drank about 64 ounces today. Tomorrow is weigh in. Can't wait to see my friend Judy. It's been several weeks since we've been to WW together. I hope she's feeling well.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Saturday, May 30, 2009
May 30, 2009
May is no longer a favorite month of mine. It used to be welcome as the summer was approaching and I liked that. Now, May is a month of losses for me and mine. That makes me sad. I lost my Mom 6 years ago and my nephew 13 days ago. I am sad. I am numb.
And I'm here, via this blog, talking about losing in a different way. I want to lose weight - have always wanted to lose weight, always thought I needed to lose weight when maybe I really didn't.
Perspective is everything, isn't it?
I believe I am an emotionally strong woman. I want to be a physically strong woman. That's my choice and my responsibility. It means that I will have to lose some more things. Perhaps I will have to lose the means that I currently use to cope with sadness, frustration, fatigue and develop new ones. Hmmm…what a concept to consider. I may have to lose the crutch of weight. How have I allowed my weight to hold me back in some areas of my life? I realize that I'm asking a lot of questions and the answers are not here - they are for some future time and blog. They NEED to be answered in order for change to occur. Even WW cannot help me if I'm not paying attention to the 'why' of the food, whether it be quantity or quality. And WW does encourage you to look at the why. I just want to look at it a bit closer. That my friends, will be a continued conversation. Right now? I'm headed to enjoy the fact that May is almost over. That makes me sad to say.
May is no longer a favorite month of mine. It used to be welcome as the summer was approaching and I liked that. Now, May is a month of losses for me and mine. That makes me sad. I lost my Mom 6 years ago and my nephew 13 days ago. I am sad. I am numb.
And I'm here, via this blog, talking about losing in a different way. I want to lose weight - have always wanted to lose weight, always thought I needed to lose weight when maybe I really didn't.
Perspective is everything, isn't it?
I believe I am an emotionally strong woman. I want to be a physically strong woman. That's my choice and my responsibility. It means that I will have to lose some more things. Perhaps I will have to lose the means that I currently use to cope with sadness, frustration, fatigue and develop new ones. Hmmm…what a concept to consider. I may have to lose the crutch of weight. How have I allowed my weight to hold me back in some areas of my life? I realize that I'm asking a lot of questions and the answers are not here - they are for some future time and blog. They NEED to be answered in order for change to occur. Even WW cannot help me if I'm not paying attention to the 'why' of the food, whether it be quantity or quality. And WW does encourage you to look at the why. I just want to look at it a bit closer. That my friends, will be a continued conversation. Right now? I'm headed to enjoy the fact that May is almost over. That makes me sad to say.
Weight Watchers
5-27-09 I was getting a jump start on this blog by writing it early. As it turned out, the time since May 17 has changed my life, and the lives of my family, forever. On May 17 our family lost our youngest. Andrew William Meyer was my Favorite Youngest Nephew. I am at a loss for words just now, especially as I realize that further down in the blog I talk about going out for Kelsie's birthday. We talked about Andrew that night - how well he was doing, how his life had so much potential and possibility and how proud we were of him. Little did we know that our lives would be forever changed within 24 hours. Andrew was a physically strong person. He liked being physically fit and eating well to keep his body strong. As I continue to write this blog and work on myself, I intend to remember that about him and focus myself on strengthening myself.
5-17-09
I do love WW. Mostly, I love going to WW with Judy and having that time together. She's out of town today, our normal day to go and I miss her. It's our time during the meeting and after to settle down and have some girl time.
I mentioned in my first blog that I've been going to WW forever. And I have. Does it work? Yes. Why do I keep going? Because I've yet to reach goal weight. Part of the reason for this blog is another layer of accountability. I want to reach goal. I want to get through my maintenance period and I want to become a lifetime member. I'm tired of quitting and not getting there.
So, I'm writing about my experience here and will focus on how it helps me to become a healthier me.
On Saturday night I went with Debbie and Matt to celebrate Kelsie's 22nd birthday. We met at Bailey's in Seabrook for dessert. I had not eaten all of my points during the day as I knew we'd do something. While Matt & Kelsie had had dinner, Deb and I had not. So, to extend our time together and fill our bellies, Deb and I chose appetizers. I had the shrimp and grits which was awesome and Deb had crab cakes which were also really great. I did have dessert afterwards and I did have a glass of wine. I don't do that often anymore. And, I cannot tell you that I counted points which is a big no-no, I know. What I do appreciate is that I chose an appetizer instead of a meal. It's a start and I likely will not go there weekly to eat. And dessert? White chocolate bread pudding. It rocked. So, here's what I think: dessert is a treat. I am going to shoot for having dessert 1-2 times per week at most! And with that in mind, as I think of what I might want NOW, I'm committing to thinking about it beforehand. Is this really what I want to eat NOW? Might there be something more special later this week? That's my plan. Remember, I'm not perfect but I'm shooting for healthy. That's one of the things that I truly DO appreciate about WW. You can eat anywhere and it's all about thinking differently about food. It is not about obsessing about what I can or cannot eat but making good choices throughout a day and a week.
One other reason that I want to blog this is because I meet people in my practice who desire to lose weight and they talk about all the other different programs or even, surgical intervention. I encourage my clients to use WW because I know that it can work and seems to me that it encourages us to become accountable for our weight and what we eat. I want to learn how to make good choices - MOST OF THE TIME! If I am going to talk WW, it should be that I can show that I actually use it and that it works. Why should the believe me if I'm sitting in front of them with my own weight issues……..
Until next time….
5-17-09
I do love WW. Mostly, I love going to WW with Judy and having that time together. She's out of town today, our normal day to go and I miss her. It's our time during the meeting and after to settle down and have some girl time.
I mentioned in my first blog that I've been going to WW forever. And I have. Does it work? Yes. Why do I keep going? Because I've yet to reach goal weight. Part of the reason for this blog is another layer of accountability. I want to reach goal. I want to get through my maintenance period and I want to become a lifetime member. I'm tired of quitting and not getting there.
So, I'm writing about my experience here and will focus on how it helps me to become a healthier me.
On Saturday night I went with Debbie and Matt to celebrate Kelsie's 22nd birthday. We met at Bailey's in Seabrook for dessert. I had not eaten all of my points during the day as I knew we'd do something. While Matt & Kelsie had had dinner, Deb and I had not. So, to extend our time together and fill our bellies, Deb and I chose appetizers. I had the shrimp and grits which was awesome and Deb had crab cakes which were also really great. I did have dessert afterwards and I did have a glass of wine. I don't do that often anymore. And, I cannot tell you that I counted points which is a big no-no, I know. What I do appreciate is that I chose an appetizer instead of a meal. It's a start and I likely will not go there weekly to eat. And dessert? White chocolate bread pudding. It rocked. So, here's what I think: dessert is a treat. I am going to shoot for having dessert 1-2 times per week at most! And with that in mind, as I think of what I might want NOW, I'm committing to thinking about it beforehand. Is this really what I want to eat NOW? Might there be something more special later this week? That's my plan. Remember, I'm not perfect but I'm shooting for healthy. That's one of the things that I truly DO appreciate about WW. You can eat anywhere and it's all about thinking differently about food. It is not about obsessing about what I can or cannot eat but making good choices throughout a day and a week.
One other reason that I want to blog this is because I meet people in my practice who desire to lose weight and they talk about all the other different programs or even, surgical intervention. I encourage my clients to use WW because I know that it can work and seems to me that it encourages us to become accountable for our weight and what we eat. I want to learn how to make good choices - MOST OF THE TIME! If I am going to talk WW, it should be that I can show that I actually use it and that it works. Why should the believe me if I'm sitting in front of them with my own weight issues……..
Until next time….
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Working on Perfection
I am not a perfectionist.
Or so I would have said any day before today.
I am a perfectionist. I don't have 'perfectionist tendencies'. I am a perfectionist. I strive to do things in accordance with how I view them needing to be done.
And? It's not always a good thing.
The more I strive to get the best document, the best idea for a book, the blog that will catch everyone's attention, the towels folded correctly in the bathroom, the more stuck I become. ..the more I procrastinate. I APPEAR busy a lot and yet seem to always be behind. I hate this!
And, it is my belief that this correlates in some way to my weight issues that I've had throughout my life. Forgive me if I appear to be rambling - I'm practicing at NOT being my best just now. I'm practicing putting my thoughts out there even if I run the risk of being misunderstood initially. The process may allow me to say what I need to say in a different way.
I've been heavy and I've been thin - many times in my life. What I remember is how good it feels to feel thin, to feel that my body is comfortable. I can remember what it feels like to cross my legs when they are thin and toned. I used to love my legs - not skinny but strong and mostly muscular. Not so much anymore but I digress. I have a body memory of how it feels when my stomach is not heavy. I've never been stick thin because I'm not built that way. So, right now, I'm uncomfortable with how I feel in my body. I've recently remembered from the "thin years" that I frequently would lament "I'm so fat" when, I clearly was NOT. I have not had an accurate picture of myself throughout my life. I do not now. When I am not looking in a mirror these days, I feel pretty good. See myself in a mirror or a photograph and I am really taken off guard by my size. I don't know if I really know what I look like.
Some years ago, Judy and I were at our friend's house looking at photo albums. She had scrapbooked some high school photos of us. In particular, I was struck by a photo of me as a Junior in High School, surrounded by other girls in our cafeteria. We were all in our Powderpuff T-shirts and I was mesmerized by the fact that I WAS NOT FAT. I always see myself (incorrectly) as fat during those years. I was not. My arms were thin. I looked good. What I wouldn't give to have that body now. Looking at that picture, I began to cry because, well, I don't even know that I can put words to it just now but I did. I think I was crying for the girl who could not see herself. The girl who compared herself to all the other girls who HAD DIFFERENT BODY TYPES. I could have NEVER in a kagillion years looked like them. It makes me sad now. As I write this, I remember that a girl named Shirley once commented that I was born into the wrong era. I have remained struck by her wisdom because while so many others were stick thin, I had curves and a more Ruben-esque body. Shirley's words remain with me and give me a comfort even today. It's ok to be me.
I don't have to be thin. I do NEED to be healthy. I will be 51 in 136 days. My goals may be over the top to lose 51 pounds by then because that's about 2.5 pounds per week. I can shoot for it. I'm setting my eye on the prize and we'll see where I get. If I drop my perfectionism, I'll be happy to weigh less than I do now even if I do not reach that goal. Although, it's not really about a number - it's about feeling and BEING healthier than I am now. I don't want to be sitting on the couch eating my dinner while I watch next season's "The Biggest Loser". I want to be sitting down tired from my own moving while I watch and encourage them, knowing that I can do it as well as they can.
And today?
I did Jillian Michael's 30-day Shred. It's a start!
Or so I would have said any day before today.
I am a perfectionist. I don't have 'perfectionist tendencies'. I am a perfectionist. I strive to do things in accordance with how I view them needing to be done.
And? It's not always a good thing.
The more I strive to get the best document, the best idea for a book, the blog that will catch everyone's attention, the towels folded correctly in the bathroom, the more stuck I become. ..the more I procrastinate. I APPEAR busy a lot and yet seem to always be behind. I hate this!
And, it is my belief that this correlates in some way to my weight issues that I've had throughout my life. Forgive me if I appear to be rambling - I'm practicing at NOT being my best just now. I'm practicing putting my thoughts out there even if I run the risk of being misunderstood initially. The process may allow me to say what I need to say in a different way.
I've been heavy and I've been thin - many times in my life. What I remember is how good it feels to feel thin, to feel that my body is comfortable. I can remember what it feels like to cross my legs when they are thin and toned. I used to love my legs - not skinny but strong and mostly muscular. Not so much anymore but I digress. I have a body memory of how it feels when my stomach is not heavy. I've never been stick thin because I'm not built that way. So, right now, I'm uncomfortable with how I feel in my body. I've recently remembered from the "thin years" that I frequently would lament "I'm so fat" when, I clearly was NOT. I have not had an accurate picture of myself throughout my life. I do not now. When I am not looking in a mirror these days, I feel pretty good. See myself in a mirror or a photograph and I am really taken off guard by my size. I don't know if I really know what I look like.
Some years ago, Judy and I were at our friend's house looking at photo albums. She had scrapbooked some high school photos of us. In particular, I was struck by a photo of me as a Junior in High School, surrounded by other girls in our cafeteria. We were all in our Powderpuff T-shirts and I was mesmerized by the fact that I WAS NOT FAT. I always see myself (incorrectly) as fat during those years. I was not. My arms were thin. I looked good. What I wouldn't give to have that body now. Looking at that picture, I began to cry because, well, I don't even know that I can put words to it just now but I did. I think I was crying for the girl who could not see herself. The girl who compared herself to all the other girls who HAD DIFFERENT BODY TYPES. I could have NEVER in a kagillion years looked like them. It makes me sad now. As I write this, I remember that a girl named Shirley once commented that I was born into the wrong era. I have remained struck by her wisdom because while so many others were stick thin, I had curves and a more Ruben-esque body. Shirley's words remain with me and give me a comfort even today. It's ok to be me.
I don't have to be thin. I do NEED to be healthy. I will be 51 in 136 days. My goals may be over the top to lose 51 pounds by then because that's about 2.5 pounds per week. I can shoot for it. I'm setting my eye on the prize and we'll see where I get. If I drop my perfectionism, I'll be happy to weigh less than I do now even if I do not reach that goal. Although, it's not really about a number - it's about feeling and BEING healthier than I am now. I don't want to be sitting on the couch eating my dinner while I watch next season's "The Biggest Loser". I want to be sitting down tired from my own moving while I watch and encourage them, knowing that I can do it as well as they can.
And today?
I did Jillian Michael's 30-day Shred. It's a start!
Saturday, May 16, 2009
I'm not weighting anymore!
How many times have I been to Weight Watchers? About a million, or so it seems. This year alone, I joined in January. Actually, it may have been the week between Christmas and New Years. And, I joined with Judy - again. We are a good team and we support one another in so very many ways. That's why she's my friend.
I'm tired of being overweight and I can find all kinds of excuses as to why I am. Primarily, it's because I'm sitting a lot - just like I am now. I sit to drive to the places I work. I sit all day as I work with my clients. I sit when I get home at night, being tired from the day. I sit while I watch The Biggest Loser and cheer on my favorites including Ally, Michelle, and most recently, Tara. While I can appreciate Helen's weight loss, Judy reminded me of this before the finale of the show - Helen kept herself on the show and sent her daughter home. Every other parent on the show sacrificed themselves for their child - even Ron, staying on till the end was focused on Mike getting to the finals! Parents ROCK. And so, I'm a bit disillusioned by Helen and her success. I won't take away from the hard work and determination that she showed and I was still upset when I saw Shannon, Helen's daughter, at the finale.
Ok, so back to being tired of carrying extra weight. I'm ready to get going and get it off. I swore that I would have it off by the time I turned 50. It didn't happen. Hmmmm…..just look at that - even my words suggest that it should have "happened". That very core idea may be why I remain overweight. I do not want to be 80 blaming my health on my weight. Heck, I don't want to be 51 and blaming my health issues on my weight. So, I have until September 30, 2009 to reach my goal.
Even now, I am aware that I've remained seated while I searched and attempted to create "the perfect blog" template ….. Still sitting here when I need to be up and moving. Need? Want. Getting up now to finish the laundry and pick up the house. It's a good start and if I put on my pedometer, I can check to see how far I walk today. Plus, it's 10:59 a.m. and I've not eaten anything today. I've only had 2 cups of coffee and I've been up since 7:30. It's important for me to remember that eating throughout the day will fuel my body to carry me through. I'm not working on perfection here - I'm working on completing the next moment in a way that will make me proud and strong for the next. Thanks for jumping on the journey with me…..I expect to be challenged and yet meet my goals.
I'm tired of being overweight and I can find all kinds of excuses as to why I am. Primarily, it's because I'm sitting a lot - just like I am now. I sit to drive to the places I work. I sit all day as I work with my clients. I sit when I get home at night, being tired from the day. I sit while I watch The Biggest Loser and cheer on my favorites including Ally, Michelle, and most recently, Tara. While I can appreciate Helen's weight loss, Judy reminded me of this before the finale of the show - Helen kept herself on the show and sent her daughter home. Every other parent on the show sacrificed themselves for their child - even Ron, staying on till the end was focused on Mike getting to the finals! Parents ROCK. And so, I'm a bit disillusioned by Helen and her success. I won't take away from the hard work and determination that she showed and I was still upset when I saw Shannon, Helen's daughter, at the finale.
Ok, so back to being tired of carrying extra weight. I'm ready to get going and get it off. I swore that I would have it off by the time I turned 50. It didn't happen. Hmmmm…..just look at that - even my words suggest that it should have "happened". That very core idea may be why I remain overweight. I do not want to be 80 blaming my health on my weight. Heck, I don't want to be 51 and blaming my health issues on my weight. So, I have until September 30, 2009 to reach my goal.
Even now, I am aware that I've remained seated while I searched and attempted to create "the perfect blog" template ….. Still sitting here when I need to be up and moving. Need? Want. Getting up now to finish the laundry and pick up the house. It's a good start and if I put on my pedometer, I can check to see how far I walk today. Plus, it's 10:59 a.m. and I've not eaten anything today. I've only had 2 cups of coffee and I've been up since 7:30. It's important for me to remember that eating throughout the day will fuel my body to carry me through. I'm not working on perfection here - I'm working on completing the next moment in a way that will make me proud and strong for the next. Thanks for jumping on the journey with me…..I expect to be challenged and yet meet my goals.
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