I am not a perfectionist.
Or so I would have said any day before today.
I am a perfectionist. I don't have 'perfectionist tendencies'. I am a perfectionist. I strive to do things in accordance with how I view them needing to be done.
And? It's not always a good thing.
The more I strive to get the best document, the best idea for a book, the blog that will catch everyone's attention, the towels folded correctly in the bathroom, the more stuck I become. ..the more I procrastinate. I APPEAR busy a lot and yet seem to always be behind. I hate this!
And, it is my belief that this correlates in some way to my weight issues that I've had throughout my life. Forgive me if I appear to be rambling - I'm practicing at NOT being my best just now. I'm practicing putting my thoughts out there even if I run the risk of being misunderstood initially. The process may allow me to say what I need to say in a different way.
I've been heavy and I've been thin - many times in my life. What I remember is how good it feels to feel thin, to feel that my body is comfortable. I can remember what it feels like to cross my legs when they are thin and toned. I used to love my legs - not skinny but strong and mostly muscular. Not so much anymore but I digress. I have a body memory of how it feels when my stomach is not heavy. I've never been stick thin because I'm not built that way. So, right now, I'm uncomfortable with how I feel in my body. I've recently remembered from the "thin years" that I frequently would lament "I'm so fat" when, I clearly was NOT. I have not had an accurate picture of myself throughout my life. I do not now. When I am not looking in a mirror these days, I feel pretty good. See myself in a mirror or a photograph and I am really taken off guard by my size. I don't know if I really know what I look like.
Some years ago, Judy and I were at our friend's house looking at photo albums. She had scrapbooked some high school photos of us. In particular, I was struck by a photo of me as a Junior in High School, surrounded by other girls in our cafeteria. We were all in our Powderpuff T-shirts and I was mesmerized by the fact that I WAS NOT FAT. I always see myself (incorrectly) as fat during those years. I was not. My arms were thin. I looked good. What I wouldn't give to have that body now. Looking at that picture, I began to cry because, well, I don't even know that I can put words to it just now but I did. I think I was crying for the girl who could not see herself. The girl who compared herself to all the other girls who HAD DIFFERENT BODY TYPES. I could have NEVER in a kagillion years looked like them. It makes me sad now. As I write this, I remember that a girl named Shirley once commented that I was born into the wrong era. I have remained struck by her wisdom because while so many others were stick thin, I had curves and a more Ruben-esque body. Shirley's words remain with me and give me a comfort even today. It's ok to be me.
I don't have to be thin. I do NEED to be healthy. I will be 51 in 136 days. My goals may be over the top to lose 51 pounds by then because that's about 2.5 pounds per week. I can shoot for it. I'm setting my eye on the prize and we'll see where I get. If I drop my perfectionism, I'll be happy to weigh less than I do now even if I do not reach that goal. Although, it's not really about a number - it's about feeling and BEING healthier than I am now. I don't want to be sitting on the couch eating my dinner while I watch next season's "The Biggest Loser". I want to be sitting down tired from my own moving while I watch and encourage them, knowing that I can do it as well as they can.
And today?
I did Jillian Michael's 30-day Shred. It's a start!
Or so I would have said any day before today.
I am a perfectionist. I don't have 'perfectionist tendencies'. I am a perfectionist. I strive to do things in accordance with how I view them needing to be done.
And? It's not always a good thing.
The more I strive to get the best document, the best idea for a book, the blog that will catch everyone's attention, the towels folded correctly in the bathroom, the more stuck I become. ..the more I procrastinate. I APPEAR busy a lot and yet seem to always be behind. I hate this!
And, it is my belief that this correlates in some way to my weight issues that I've had throughout my life. Forgive me if I appear to be rambling - I'm practicing at NOT being my best just now. I'm practicing putting my thoughts out there even if I run the risk of being misunderstood initially. The process may allow me to say what I need to say in a different way.
I've been heavy and I've been thin - many times in my life. What I remember is how good it feels to feel thin, to feel that my body is comfortable. I can remember what it feels like to cross my legs when they are thin and toned. I used to love my legs - not skinny but strong and mostly muscular. Not so much anymore but I digress. I have a body memory of how it feels when my stomach is not heavy. I've never been stick thin because I'm not built that way. So, right now, I'm uncomfortable with how I feel in my body. I've recently remembered from the "thin years" that I frequently would lament "I'm so fat" when, I clearly was NOT. I have not had an accurate picture of myself throughout my life. I do not now. When I am not looking in a mirror these days, I feel pretty good. See myself in a mirror or a photograph and I am really taken off guard by my size. I don't know if I really know what I look like.
Some years ago, Judy and I were at our friend's house looking at photo albums. She had scrapbooked some high school photos of us. In particular, I was struck by a photo of me as a Junior in High School, surrounded by other girls in our cafeteria. We were all in our Powderpuff T-shirts and I was mesmerized by the fact that I WAS NOT FAT. I always see myself (incorrectly) as fat during those years. I was not. My arms were thin. I looked good. What I wouldn't give to have that body now. Looking at that picture, I began to cry because, well, I don't even know that I can put words to it just now but I did. I think I was crying for the girl who could not see herself. The girl who compared herself to all the other girls who HAD DIFFERENT BODY TYPES. I could have NEVER in a kagillion years looked like them. It makes me sad now. As I write this, I remember that a girl named Shirley once commented that I was born into the wrong era. I have remained struck by her wisdom because while so many others were stick thin, I had curves and a more Ruben-esque body. Shirley's words remain with me and give me a comfort even today. It's ok to be me.
I don't have to be thin. I do NEED to be healthy. I will be 51 in 136 days. My goals may be over the top to lose 51 pounds by then because that's about 2.5 pounds per week. I can shoot for it. I'm setting my eye on the prize and we'll see where I get. If I drop my perfectionism, I'll be happy to weigh less than I do now even if I do not reach that goal. Although, it's not really about a number - it's about feeling and BEING healthier than I am now. I don't want to be sitting on the couch eating my dinner while I watch next season's "The Biggest Loser". I want to be sitting down tired from my own moving while I watch and encourage them, knowing that I can do it as well as they can.
And today?
I did Jillian Michael's 30-day Shred. It's a start!
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